I've debated in my head over and over about sharing this with everyone as it is personal for me and an on-going struggle, but I thought if there is one person out there that is going through the same thing I wanted to offer some encouragement.
Can I share something with you?
I'm really struggling right now.
Over the past year Wes and I have made a lot of decisions regarding our future. Some decisions have caused me some sadness (selling our home of 5 yrs that I will forever hold some of the dearest and fondest memories in my heart), and some decisions have caused excitement in my heart (the possibility of pursuing a move to be near family).
Our home sold this past September and we still weren't quite sure what our next move was. OR, I should say, Wes wasn't sure what our next move should be. Because of this, we made a commitment to wait on the Lord, seeking His guidance through His word and LOTS of prayer. In the mean time, we also committed to rent for a year.
It's been six months, and living in limbo has proven to be a HUGE test for me. However, it has caused both Wes and I to pray a lot and talk a lot.
Well, it probably wouldn't be any surprise that my heart has been very hopeful we would try to pursue moving back to Texas. That my heart was hanging on every word Wes could or would say about this possibility. Well, the other day, he came home and told me as we sat down to dinner, that he really felt strongly...deep in his heart we needed to stay put for the time being. That right now, where we are is the BEST place for our family. That as much as we love the idea, as much as I love the idea of being near family, his priority, our priority should be OUR family...he and I, and the girls.
I've been holding onto this possibility for 10 years now (since we moved here). 10 YEARS!!! And, honestly, I'm heart-broken. Not rolling on the floor, pitching a fit and screaming...but, just a hurting heart. Believe me, I've been here before over the past 10 years as this wasn't our first discussion about the subject. I guess you might call it a "thorn in my flesh" so to speak, as there really hasn't been a day, week, year, that I haven't hoped for, hurt for, prayed for God to move us back to Texas so we could be near family. AND-HE-HASN'T. HELLO AMY!!! So, after a good cry, some quiet time in prayer, I read a few pages of my favorite devotional "Jesus Calling". Honestly, I read MANY pages as I've fallen behind lately in reading it every day, and SO many of days applied to the feelings I was and am having, but I thought I would share the one that pricked my heart in a BIG way.
March 23
LET THANKFULNESS TEMPER ALL YOUR THOUGHTS. A thankful mind set keeps you in touch with Me. I hate it when My children grumble, casually despising My sovereignty. Thankfulness is a safeguard against this deadly sin. Furthermore, a grateful attitude becomes a grid through which you perceive life. Gratitude enables you to see the Light of My Presence shining on all your circumstances. Cultivate a thankful heart, for this glorifies Me and fills you with Joy.
I have SOOOOO much to be thankful for, PERIOD.
How dare I grumble casually at HIS almighty sovereignty over EVERYTHING, including MY life. Wow, that hit me hard. I HAVE to trust that even though it hurts my heart...that even though I want to move back home so bad I can taste it and see it, I HAVE to trust and know that HIS plan is SO much better than my plan. SO MUCH BETTER.
I also realized that although I truly am SO thankful for EVERYTHING (I really am), my inward spirit is telling God that He isn't enough. I'm telling God that ALL he has blessed me with and provided is not enough. I'm telling Wes that he isn't enough...what he works so hard to provide every day isn't enough. Is that the message I wish to send?? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
So, as much as I have the "head knowledge" that God should be enough for me. Just Him. I don't have that heart knowledge right now...I'm just being honest. AND my prayer is that He would help me just rest in Him. REST-IN-HIM.
Thanks for letting me share~
I'll keep you updated along this journey of mine : )
Keep The Faith,
I am in tears reading this sweet post!! We have been in your shoes time and time again and it is such a hard place to be! Praying for you guys!!
ReplyDeleteAmy,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this post. I can't imagine doing what you are doing day in and day out without family nearby. I know you are heartbroken but you are an inspiration to me. Your strength and faith is really amazing even while you are down. I wanted to comment on your post about being a mess and tell you that you are not the only one. (I read it on my phone and its a pain to post). I feel like most days I am a mess, I try to plan great family activities and someone gets sick, or someone is fussy, or it rains and I get so sad. Then I sit down and reflect and realize that I to am so blessed. It takes the rough days to see the great ones. Good Luck to you and your husband and may God show is plan and give you peace with whatever it may be.
This was a GREAT post, and I NEEDED to hear it. My husband and I bought our home 4 years ago... HOWEVER... I have lived in this house for 20 years! We lived here with my mother-in-law before buying it 4 years ago when she moved far far away. First of all I thought I would NEVER get away from her. It was wrong of us to live with her in the first place, but I let it go on.
ReplyDeleteI really believe God answered my prayers when she left. But the other part to my prayer was to leave this town and try life somewhere else, it didn't even have to be very far away. I have just lived within a quarter mile area for most of my life, and I have just wanted out of here. Anyway... just recently it occured to me that I have been praying to leave here for close to the 20 years I have lived in this house, and for whatever reason we are still here. I really had a boo-hoo over that. But every day I make sure to tell God that I don't take anything we have for granted, and that I am thankful, cuz I really feel that I am... but I too have a deep sadness about still being here. I am not sure that wanting something else is a bad thing. I can't seem to stop the hurt... but I KEEP giving it to God, because he heals all that is wrong with my life, and I trust him with everything I have. I don't question why we are here still, I just try to live a full, happy life inspite of it. I am rambling... but I feel your pain.
Amy I hate that you are dealing with this. If I was in your shoes I would so want to be at home close to my family (it would be more help for you, and your girls could grow up near grandparents ect.), but I know that the Lord has you and Wes here for a reason he is working your plan and I am sure it will unfold for you to see soon. Let me know if you need anything, even an unplanned/ not a every other Thursday playdate, we would so love the company and to see some friendly faces. I will be praying for you
ReplyDeleteAmy,
ReplyDeleteI clicked your blog from Kellys today. First time visitor:) I love this post, as I can SO relate from our 12 years of marriage and living away. While we have pursued getting home a couple of times, overall we have known that staying put (in Arkansas like you:)) was where God wanted us. Being willing to ask, seek, and wait is very hard sometimes, as we do not always love the answer, but He is always faithful to provide where we are. I, too, do not have any help AT ALL and with 3 kids, many days, I am plain weary, worn out, and drained. But, again, God has been faithful to sustain me and provide for my heart's needs:)
I pray He blesses you beyond measure for your faithfulness to Him and for trusting Him.
Love from another Arkansas transplant,
Amanda
Well I am selfishly so glad you are here! :) I know what you mean - I remember when we were 8 mths pregnant with jackson and a few days from closing on a house and Ben said he felt God telling him to back out. I was SOOO upset. And I think I did roll around on the floor cyring - ha! It's been a long road since then but I just continue to cling to the scripture that "He knows the plans that He has for my life and they are for MY GOOD!" Most of the time I feel like a two year old but in obedience is the best place I've ever found to be. Thank you for always being such a blessing to me
ReplyDelete