I've debated in my head over and over about sharing this with everyone as it is personal for me and an on-going struggle, but I thought if there is one person out there that is going through the same thing I wanted to offer some encouragement.
Can I share something with you?
I'm really struggling right now.
Over the past year Wes and I have made a lot of decisions regarding our future. Some decisions have caused me some sadness (selling our home of 5 yrs that I will forever hold some of the dearest and fondest memories in my heart), and some decisions have caused excitement in my heart (the possibility of pursuing a move to be near family).
Our home sold this past September and we still weren't quite sure what our next move was. OR, I should say, Wes wasn't sure what our next move should be. Because of this, we made a commitment to wait on the Lord, seeking His guidance through His word and LOTS of prayer. In the mean time, we also committed to rent for a year.
It's been six months, and living in limbo has proven to be a HUGE test for me. However, it has caused both Wes and I to pray a lot and talk a lot.
Well, it probably wouldn't be any surprise that my heart has been very hopeful we would try to pursue moving back to Texas. That my heart was hanging on every word Wes could or would say about this possibility. Well, the other day, he came home and told me as we sat down to dinner, that he really felt strongly...deep in his heart we needed to stay put for the time being. That right now, where we are is the BEST place for our family. That as much as we love the idea, as much as I love the idea of being near family, his priority, our priority should be OUR family...he and I, and the girls.
I've been holding onto this possibility for 10 years now (since we moved here). 10 YEARS!!! And, honestly, I'm heart-broken. Not rolling on the floor, pitching a fit and screaming...but, just a hurting heart. Believe me, I've been here before over the past 10 years as this wasn't our first discussion about the subject. I guess you might call it a "thorn in my flesh" so to speak, as there really hasn't been a day, week, year, that I haven't hoped for, hurt for, prayed for God to move us back to Texas so we could be near family. AND-HE-HASN'T. HELLO AMY!!! So, after a good cry, some quiet time in prayer, I read a few pages of my favorite devotional "Jesus Calling". Honestly, I read MANY pages as I've fallen behind lately in reading it every day, and SO many of days applied to the feelings I was and am having, but I thought I would share the one that pricked my heart in a BIG way.
LET THANKFULNESS TEMPER ALL YOUR THOUGHTS. A thankful mind set keeps you in touch with Me. I hate it when My children grumble, casually despising My sovereignty. Thankfulness is a safeguard against this deadly sin. Furthermore, a grateful attitude becomes a grid through which you perceive life. Gratitude enables you to see the Light of My Presence shining on all your circumstances. Cultivate a thankful heart, for this glorifies Me and fills you with Joy.
I have SOOOOO much to be thankful for, PERIOD.
How dare I grumble casually at HIS almighty sovereignty over EVERYTHING, including MY life. Wow, that hit me hard. I HAVE to trust that even though it hurts my heart...that even though I want to move back home so bad I can taste it and see it, I HAVE to trust and know that HIS plan is SO much better than my plan. SO MUCH BETTER.
I also realized that although I truly am SO thankful for EVERYTHING (I really am), my inward spirit is telling God that He isn't enough. I'm telling God that ALL he has blessed me with and provided is not enough. I'm telling Wes that he isn't enough...what he works so hard to provide every day isn't enough. Is that the message I wish to send?? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
So, as much as I have the "head knowledge" that God should be enough for me. Just Him. I don't have that heart knowledge right now...I'm just being honest. AND my prayer is that He would help me just rest in Him. REST-IN-HIM.
Thanks for letting me share~
I'll keep you updated along this journey of mine : )
Keep The Faith,